Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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