just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
