she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
