If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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