Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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