Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
