what day is it and did you see me today?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
