God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
