I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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