My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
