: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
