I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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