I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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