After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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