remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
