i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
