I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
