if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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