Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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