How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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