I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
