Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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