I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
