I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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