I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
