i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
false alarm. still invincible.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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