Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Randomize
