Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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