were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
