Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
