why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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