yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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