I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
