4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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