I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my vag is so smooth its legendary
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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