Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
