you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
