I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
