You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
