Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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