My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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