So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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