Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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