Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize