just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize