so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
