I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
