I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
ttyl tear gas
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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