finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
