come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
