if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
