My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Fuck appropriateness.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
