I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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