This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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