it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
