I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
