We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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