she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
