FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
