When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
