I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
